Say anything general about women and someone will object: "You can't generalize like that." Then comes a story about one woman who breaks the pattern. The objection sounds fair, but taken seriously it would make every useful observation impossible.

Why generalizing is necessary

Biologists say birds fly, knowing that penguins and ostriches do not. Insurers price a policy by the average rate of house fires, knowing most houses never burn. Generalizations describe the shape of a group. They are how anyone learns anything about large numbers of people.

Men and women differ on average in measurable ways: height, strength, appetite for risk, interests, and how they respond to stress. Pretending otherwise does not make anyone kinder. It just leaves men guessing.

The rule that keeps it honest

There are groups, and there are individuals within those groups. Both statements are true at once.

  • A pattern tells you what is likely. It helps you read a situation faster and avoid the classic mistakes.
  • An individual tells you what is actual. She may fit the pattern closely, partly, or not at all.

The mistake runs in two directions. One man refuses to see any patterns and keeps making the same error with every woman he dates. Another man sees only patterns and treats every woman as a case study. The first is naive. The second is bitter. Neither wins her heart, and neither deserves to.

The wrong kind of generalization

A fair generalization moves from many cases to a tendency. An unfair one moves from a single case to a verdict. When a man is hurt by one woman and decides that all women are liars, he has generalized from one instance. That is not insight. It is a wound talking.

Watch for this in yourself, and watch for it in the men's forums you read. Bitterness often dresses up as wisdom.

How to use patterns well

  1. Hold them lightly. Use a pattern as a first guess, then update it as you learn who she is.
  2. Let behavior override theory. If she consistently shows up, follows through, and tells the truth, believe that over any forum post.
  3. Apply patterns to yourself first. Men have tendencies too: impatience, pride, emotional withdrawal. Knowing yours is as useful as knowing hers.
  4. Never use a pattern as an insult. "You're just like all women" ends conversations and earns nothing.

NAWALT, revisited

Men's forums use the acronym NAWALT, for "not all women are like that," usually with a roll of the eyes. Both sides have a point. Not all women are like that, which is why you judge individuals by their fruit. And many women are like that, which is why patterns are worth learning. Keep both ideas in your head and you will see clearly. People look at the outside; the Lord looks at the heart. A wise man keeps looking until he sees the heart too.